Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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