I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
They have beer where we have blood.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
