i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Randomize
