no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
