I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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