Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
where am i from again
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
