what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
