There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize