Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
