if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you traded sex for a burrito?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize