So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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