how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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