She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
