Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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