a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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