How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
