I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
