Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
