were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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