how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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