you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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