Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
