so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
me + whiskey = a bad person
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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