Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
