i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
