Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
