You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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