My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
