How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
