I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
