We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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