What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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