I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
