you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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