how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
