I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
