i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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