Sry I called you an 8
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
