I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
