last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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