she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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