My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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