I just pynch a tree in the face
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize