Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
