I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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