Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
