I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
