i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
