Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I looked at my own cervix.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
