Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
