if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
