Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize