Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
