Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Randomize
