Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do vagina's smell?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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