just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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