I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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