ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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