i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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