I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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