He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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